Someone has patented a fluid displacement device for measuring penises:
Here's the inventor's commentary, with a follow-up by Daniel Wright of Patently Silly:
"Throughout history, there has been discussion and focus on the human male sex organ. Generally, having a large penis is seen as more masculine and manly than having a small penis. Well-endowed male pornography stars are looked at by many with admiration and envy due to the size of their penis."
"There is a remarkable lack of convenient and accurate methods for measuring the penis. Most men merely take a ruler and measure the size of their penis in inches. However, to adequately describe the size of a penis the length alone is not enough. Nor is it enough to know the diameter at an arbitrary point. The penis is not shaped like a true cylinder, but rather it has a more complicated shape. Therefore, a method for measuring the size of a penis needs to account for the unusual shape and size of the human penis."
In the short 22 centuries since Archimedes first shouted Eureka from his bathtub, inventor Jason Turner has applied the same techniques of fluid displacement to accurately measure the one-eyed trouser snake.
Okay... ** TMI Warning ** I've been alone too long. That drawing got me all HOT!
...oh the humility...
Nothing to see here, carry on.
Posted by: Den of Imp Shell | December 21, 2006 at 09:44 AM
Jake at airport security screening checkpoint.
::TSA rummaging through Jake's carry on::
TSA: One Swedish-made penis measuring device.
Jake: That's not mine.
TSA:One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis measuring device signed by Jake Holmes.
Jake:I'm telling ya baby, that's not mine.
TSA: One warranty card for Swedish-made penis measuring device, filled out by Jake Holmes.
Jake: I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.
TSA: One book, "Swedish-made Penis Measuring Devices And Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby", by Jake Holmes.
Posted by: Jake Holmes | December 21, 2006 at 10:01 AM
Ha haaaaa!!!! *snort*
Jake... You're killin' me!
Posted by: Den of Imp Shell | December 21, 2006 at 10:05 AM
Somehow 75 cubic inches of throbbing man meat just doesnt sound as impressive...
(formula - pi * r² * h... more or less)
Posted by: Jake Holmes | December 21, 2006 at 10:27 AM
Unfortunately, while it provides an accurate measurement of total mass, such a measurement is useless when attempting to rate said penis quality and says nothing about the relationship between length and girth.
Posted by: my first girlfriend nicknamed me "Coke Can" | December 21, 2006 at 10:42 AM
I wonder, do the directions specify whether the user should fill the device with warm or cold water?
Posted by: my first girlfriend nicknamed me "Coke Can" | December 21, 2006 at 10:51 AM
Hey.. Size doesnt matter.. It's not the size of the ship it's the motion of the ocean that counts.. heard it all our lives... we all know that's true.. Right girls?
Posted by: My first girlfriend nicknamed me "pinky finger" | December 21, 2006 at 10:57 AM
uhm, hate to break it to you Jake ...
Posted by: Carin | December 21, 2006 at 11:08 AM
So...
...
...
Do those measuring devices come in EXTRA large?!?
Heh heh heh...
...
*sigh*
Posted by: Hoodlumman | December 21, 2006 at 11:46 AM
Updated dialogue from "Henry and June":
"Henry, your penis, it displaces a lot of fluid!"
Posted by: ken | December 21, 2006 at 12:00 PM
Oh, and pinky...as my wife says "Size doesn't matter. Except during sex."
Posted by: ken | December 21, 2006 at 12:01 PM
So ... I have this friend and he's hung like a tuna can. It's only about 2 inches long but it's 6 in circumference...
Wouldn't that skew the data?
because he's all for that...
my friend, that is...
Posted by: Rob B. | December 21, 2006 at 12:07 PM
did I say circumference, I meant diameter
Posted by: Rob B. | December 21, 2006 at 12:12 PM
::DISCLAIMER::
Please note that previous comments made by "My first girlfriend nicknamed me "pinky finger"" were made for purposes of humor only and in no way.. NO WAY.. apply to my actual physical dimensions.. Nor have any of my previous girlfriends, squeezes, spouses, one-night-stands or late night honkey-tonk bar pick-ups ever referred to me as 'Pinky finger', though nicknames have been used, such as "El-Bayo", "Anaconda", "Firehose" & "Elephant Trunk".
Just setting the record straight.
Regards,
TJ Holmes
Posted by: Jake Holmes | December 21, 2006 at 12:49 PM
I leave the house for an hour and look what you boys have done with the place.
I dunno Gail, I say it's time for another photo contest.
ahem.
Posted by: Den of Imp Shell | December 21, 2006 at 01:11 PM
Whatever you say Jake. I heard you're about as anatomically accurate as a Ken Doll.
Posted by: my first girlfriend nicknamed me "Coke Can" | December 21, 2006 at 01:23 PM
"I dunno Gail, I say it's time for another photo contest."
Thank god for photoshop... I mean, Yeah great idea.
Posted by: Rob B. | December 21, 2006 at 01:24 PM
Ya.. ya... and I heard you bear more of a resemblance to a Saladore Dali painting of a coke can than The Real Thing..
Ken doll... Heh.. For your information I'm every bit as anatomically correct as a GI Joe Doll...
..Hey wait..
Posted by: Jake Holmes | December 21, 2006 at 02:03 PM
I meant like GI JOE IF he were hung like Barbie's horse Tawney...
Heh.. Told you...
(Tawney's a boy, right?)
Posted by: Jake Holmes | December 21, 2006 at 02:06 PM
Probably a gelding.
Posted by: gail | December 21, 2006 at 02:21 PM
At least your not hung like a shark with 2 penises, penisi,penile.... oh to hell with it, "Two dicks"
Posted by: Rob B. | December 21, 2006 at 02:21 PM
Do geldings neigh in Soprano? hmmmmm
Posted by: Jake Holmes | December 21, 2006 at 03:02 PM
Sharks have two dicks????
Posted by: Den of Imp Shell | December 21, 2006 at 03:05 PM
I wish I could say size doesn't matter. But it makes a vas deferens to us chicks.
Posted by: Julie | December 21, 2006 at 03:11 PM
Thoughts kinda focussed in one area today, huh Shell?
Posted by: Jake Holmes | December 21, 2006 at 03:20 PM