She
In the shadows
Small and frightened
Hidden behind the radiant mask
He
A Messiah
Invisible in a crowd
Bearer of the light without pretense
They
An unlikely pair
Breakers of the rules
One
Complete yet not whole
Broken
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« #12 Combination Platter Ana | Main | Jake's Take: Dominance »
Comments
The comments to this entry are closed.
Jake,Let me know if you want any changes. I used my suggesstion for breaking the "One" off by itself,but tell me if that doesn't work.
Posted by: gail | April 27, 2005 at 04:08 PM
Nice work, Jake.
Posted by: JWebb | April 27, 2005 at 04:15 PM
I'm thinking that when the "One" is off by itself, it gives different meaning than when it's part of another line. But I'll have to look at the original again.
The sound of it is etherial. The sh's and f's and s's all together like that. There, but not really. Very beautiful to listen to. Very few hard sounds or plosives (?).
Posted by: Ana | April 27, 2005 at 04:17 PM
It works fine Gail... In fact the 'One' by itself seems closer to the way I intended it. Thanks JWebb and Ana ...
Posted by: Jake H. | April 27, 2005 at 04:48 PM
Very nice, Jake.
Posted by: SeanH | April 27, 2005 at 05:51 PM
What, do you think you're like a poet, or something, man?
Posted by: CraigC | April 27, 2005 at 06:33 PM
Oh sure...it's fine for Gail to 'redecorate' your poem, but not me. But then...it IS Gail-- and not me.
Posted by: penelopeHOLMES | April 27, 2005 at 06:34 PM
Hey! You family members are supposed to be here under fake names praising my work to high heaven.. Get with the program..Whadda you think I'm paying you for ?
The rest of you.. pay no attention to this Penelope Holmes.. The last name is a coicidence.. I have never even met her.
Posted by: Jake H. | April 27, 2005 at 07:23 PM
CC I was channeling Wm. Carlos Williams in my dreams last night I think..
Posted by: Jake H. | April 27, 2005 at 07:26 PM
Hope she's not pre-middle school, 'cuz that would make her elementary Holmes.
Posted by: JWebb | April 27, 2005 at 07:28 PM