Someone has patented a fluid displacement device for measuring penises:
Here's the inventor's commentary, with a follow-up by Daniel Wright of Patently Silly:
"Throughout history, there has been discussion and focus on the human male sex organ. Generally, having a large penis is seen as more masculine and manly than having a small penis. Well-endowed male pornography stars are looked at by many with admiration and envy due to the size of their penis."
"There is a remarkable lack of convenient and accurate methods for measuring the penis. Most men merely take a ruler and measure the size of their penis in inches. However, to adequately describe the size of a penis the length alone is not enough. Nor is it enough to know the diameter at an arbitrary point. The penis is not shaped like a true cylinder, but rather it has a more complicated shape. Therefore, a method for measuring the size of a penis needs to account for the unusual shape and size of the human penis."
In the short 22 centuries since Archimedes first shouted Eureka from his bathtub, inventor Jason Turner has applied the same techniques of fluid displacement to accurately measure the one-eyed trouser snake.
Okay... ** TMI Warning ** I've been alone too long. That drawing got me all HOT!
...oh the humility...
Nothing to see here, carry on.
Posted by: Den of Imp Shell | December 21, 2006 at 09:44 AM
Jake at airport security screening checkpoint.
::TSA rummaging through Jake's carry on::
TSA: One Swedish-made penis measuring device.
Jake: That's not mine.
TSA:One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis measuring device signed by Jake Holmes.
Jake:I'm telling ya baby, that's not mine.
TSA: One warranty card for Swedish-made penis measuring device, filled out by Jake Holmes.
Jake: I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.
TSA: One book, "Swedish-made Penis Measuring Devices And Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby", by Jake Holmes.
Posted by: Jake Holmes | December 21, 2006 at 10:01 AM
Ha haaaaa!!!! *snort*
Jake... You're killin' me!
Posted by: Den of Imp Shell | December 21, 2006 at 10:05 AM
Somehow 75 cubic inches of throbbing man meat just doesnt sound as impressive...
(formula - pi * r² * h... more or less)
Posted by: Jake Holmes | December 21, 2006 at 10:27 AM
Unfortunately, while it provides an accurate measurement of total mass, such a measurement is useless when attempting to rate said penis quality and says nothing about the relationship between length and girth.
Posted by: my first girlfriend nicknamed me "Coke Can" | December 21, 2006 at 10:42 AM
I wonder, do the directions specify whether the user should fill the device with warm or cold water?
Posted by: my first girlfriend nicknamed me "Coke Can" | December 21, 2006 at 10:51 AM
Hey.. Size doesnt matter.. It's not the size of the ship it's the motion of the ocean that counts.. heard it all our lives... we all know that's true.. Right girls?
Posted by: My first girlfriend nicknamed me "pinky finger" | December 21, 2006 at 10:57 AM
uhm, hate to break it to you Jake ...
Posted by: Carin | December 21, 2006 at 11:08 AM
So...
...
...
Do those measuring devices come in EXTRA large?!?
Heh heh heh...
...
*sigh*
Posted by: Hoodlumman | December 21, 2006 at 11:46 AM
Updated dialogue from "Henry and June":
"Henry, your penis, it displaces a lot of fluid!"
Posted by: ken | December 21, 2006 at 12:00 PM